Tonight we celebrate the book launch for Table In The Darkness – A Healing Journey Through An Eating Disorder

Won’t you join me? Click HERE for details.

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Most of my life I struggled with not feeling good enough.

Not good enough led me to need to try harder to be better and to alter the person I actually was. Part of this was how I was wired and part of this was the lens to which I viewed life.

In college the try harder game became unbearable as my emotional well-being sunk into a deep depression. I responded by not eating, as I felt I needed to be better at that as well. All of this led me to a dark pit where life lost it’s color and the view forward became an empty black nothing.

I was suicidal and almost succeeded at my attempt.

My community and my faith led me to a better life.

A life not confined to measurements and numbers on a scale.

Here I am seventeen years later and my memoir is now out in the world. I find myself thrown back into a state of measurement. How many hits on a blog, or plusses on a google post. How many influencers can help me sell the book and how many can I sell in the first printing. How many speaking gigs can I book and how much money can I make. Will my publisher be happy? Will my family? Will the reader? And I find myself once again in the not good enough place.

Simple irony.

This time I am older, wiser, and very aware.

I refuse to get sucked in.

Writing is my creative outlet as well as part of my soul.

My book is my hope to others to not go down the terrible road I did while offering hope that people can recover.

Yesterday I read this beautiful post and it helped me realign my thinking.

images“Finally, we have to let go of “perfect” and embrace gratitude instead. The perfectionistic questions that circle on publishing day – “Is it enough?” “Did I say everything I wanted to?” “Will the reader understand my heart’s lineage?”  and “Is this as beautiful an offering as I dreamed?” – all of these questions must yield to gratitude.” – Jennifer Strickland 

This author,  calls her book her offering, her alabaster jar.

Yes, this is my own alabaster jar. My offering to the world. My thank you note to God for offering me a second chance at life.

While I understand that my publisher needs numbers, Amazon needs ranking and the sites need visitors. I refuse to make any of that my measuring stick.

“Walk through life with a measuring stick and you get so small you never see God.” – Ann Voskamp

While the book also brings tension within my family, because any memoir does, I still step out and offer this…this offering to God. While the publishing of this book has left me feeling more raw and exposed than I have ever felt in my entire life, I lean back into HIS arms, and I TRUST.

I am good enough just as I am today. My identity isn’t based on my book. And while it is ok to strive for excellence and dream of being a best seller, I am careful to approach it all with open hands. Holding the tension of the work it now takes from an author to launch a book and the joy I still want to feel in the process.

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That is good enough.

We find peace in realizing that God calls us to believe that we are worthy…not because of anything we have done, will do, or wish we could do…but because He says…In me you are enough.” -Parker Palmer

Xo- Lee

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