Last Saturday I stood among an eager group of bloggers at the Minnesota Blogging Conference, hoping to inspire and motivate them. I energetically told them, “Sit in the chair, and make time to write, if you have time for Facebook you have time to write.”
While speaking I was also nursing a painful headache. Not only the headache has stopped me, but I find myself getting all tangled up in what I am supposed to do as a blogger. Words like…SEO, Google Analytics, Videoblog…it all begins to paralyze me. That is just my excuse.
I haven’t written a word since last Friday.
Something else I told the group, “Write the truth”.
So today, I write the truth.
The truth is, I hate October. I have tried to embrace it, to make it different, to pretend it isn’t October. But it doesn’t work. I want to love it and I try to celebrate it, with the beauty in the trees and the glorious sky. The trees so stunning and the colors so red, orange and vibrant you have to stop and take a picture.
But before you know it, the leaves are gone.
And you wake up and it is cold.
I meant to take a picture of this stunning view outside my window the other day with the gorgeous full red tree and my favorite spot on my front porch. But I didn’t. And the leaves are gone. Just like that.
And for some reason everything seems to fall apart in my mind in October. I know the cold is coming and the hats and gloves need to come out of storage. I know the long winter is ahead and I need to cherish these cool days and the warm sunshine, because it slips so quickly out of my view.
I feel that about my life right now too.
The pressure to embrace my kids who are growing up too fast. The pressure to spend more quality time with them, the ache of wondering did I miss quality time with them because now they barely mutter anything but ‘huh?” and “ya”?
I know this every October, that it is my hardest month.
And yet, this year I tried really hard to pretend. Pretend that it wasn’t coming.
But my body reminded me. It remembered.
Oh our bodies, they are so smart.
It is interesting as I used to be able to push and demand of my body, when I wasn’t attached. When my head was bossing my body around. But now that we are friends, my body will scream at me when I don’t take care of it, when I push it too hard, and when I demand too much of it. This past month I have been struggling with painful headaches. I push and push and try to pretend they aren’t there, but it doesn’t work. My body tells me it doesn’t like my pace, doesn’t like the thoughts that are pounding and pressuring and demanding of it. And I admit it, I am not so great at slowing down. Not so great at listening…but I am trying. Trying to do it different.
And I realize how grateful I am I can listen. Before when I was deep in my eating disorder, I had no idea what I felt. Had no ability to sense my own emotions. The goal was to not have emotions. To stay numb.
So here we are in October. Back again. Every year. And my body reminds me of the sadness of this month. The sounds, the smells, the reminder of a time of another October where I was in such emotional pain that I tried to end it all.
October hurts. It just does. I am trying to muddle through and be gentle with myself.
Are you having a hard time with October too?
Be gentle friends, gentle with your body and mind if October steals your joy like it does mine. The month of gratitude and family and friends is just around the corner!
Lots of love and rest for you and me.